Good Times... Noodle Salad....

I wrote a poem inspired by the book.

It's called "Shadows"

Innocence fade
A time there was to fit in
Everyone can fit in nicely
Yet fitting out is very painful

What do you do when you don't know what to do?
Reach out for the nearest hand
Or maybe not, though you know you should
Take care of it yourself, make yourself a promise

Never again will I fall
The promise comes like lifting shadows off a dream
Time to start a new day, a new life.
Yet even the sun goes down causing shadows to move

Perhaps the dream was like promising an ocean
And all I had is a drop of water
When the drop cannot find more, when does it evaporate
The shadows come down on the dream once again, once broken


Lifeless, decayed
Forever will I be but a beggar for my peace?
But even beggars eat the crumbs fed to them
Even dogs eat the crumbs from the masters table

By now, pay later
I'll bear the cross on judgement day
But who will be my companion?
Who will walk hand in hand with me through fields of fire?

I dug into the buffet
Taking what I could
But what I could take
Took what it could on me as well

If I fall to pieces
Who will fall with me?
Everytime I try to fall together
I just fall apart



Lifting shadows off a dream once again
Yet, what will happen if the sun goes down like all times before?
Is all life suffering?
When will I exit this cycle

Jesus, are you there?
Where was I, for you, when things were going as they ought?
Can I question your presence then? If things aren't as they ought
And I find a door slammed in my face?

Reach out for a hand to pull me from this cycle
To lift shadows off this dream for good
Yet, what happens when I'm pulled from the wreckage
And the nightmares follow me?

I dread the nights the most
Shadows move around me to cover my dream
Only this time, the shadows have covered the dream entirely
I cannot seem to reach for anyone

Here I am, totally wrapped in darkness
It was the dream that kept me this long
But I know now that it isn't the shadows I fear
It was what happens when you are totally in the shadows.

Because what is hidden within them is what finally killed me.

I was reading Kristen's journal. She was talking about the name of the author. I suppose I kept thinking her name was "Alice" but now I'm not as sure. I simply call her, "the author" because that appears to be me the most appropriate.

But, on the other hand... I guess it doesn't really matter what her name is. If someone was opening up to me, it would be wierd if they had to tell me their name... Because then I would not feel like there was a great connection between us.

I think, in a way, it's a bit of the same thing. I feel closer ot the author. More like she's adressing ME. I'm not just reading her "blog." Because she refers to the diary as her friend... her only friend at times.

I guess people who struggle with drugs should read this.. but I think that a lot of people should read it. A good listener could learn a lot from this book. Because it's like, this is stuff that you don't usually tell people. It's almost like, you are hearing her thoughts. The stuff she talks about, the stuff she doesn't.. the stuff she almost talks about. You hear it all.

I used to keep a diary, it wasn't quite as deep as Go Ask Alice. It was mostly like "I love this girl" and then followed by a "boo-hoo this girl doesn't like me."

I guess I just really feel close to the author because I don't know her name. It just shows you that you don't really need a name to know someone. That makes me feel better, because I forget names so easily. So... the way the book is written. It's like it's adressed to YOU and not just a "hey I wrote this."

Some quotes from my favorite singer... Ozzy Osbourne... Being a conservative Christian... this is wierd... but you know, I just love the guy for some reason. He's really down to earth.

on one of the Osbourne's episodes, he talks to his kids about drugs... and it's the one time where he is not trying to be funny... he talks to his kids about drugs and he's saying, "eh eh ah... Jack... look at me..." He's referring to what it has done to his body...

You know, in a way it's interesting becuase the author of Go Ask Alice simply just knows that drugs are bad RIGHT from the get-go. But she loves to do them.. but hates them at the same time..

So here's some quotable quotes from Ozzy Osbourne.. http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ozzy_Osbourne, http://www.angelfire.com/comics/osbournes/
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

"I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol. I mean, I would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in a woman's evening dress sober."

"Do you know people, I've made many... errr... statements about being sober and, what I can really say is... sobriety fucking sucks!"

"This shit will kill you faster than crack!"

"Don't drink. Don't take drugs."

"You know man... it's like... I'm a bad alcoholic... I go to a meeting and I sit in there and I go... if you only had one leg and you're in a room full of one-legged men... You don't wanna talk about how you lost your leg for the rest of your life.. You just get on with it..."

"Man... you wouldn't do drugs unless you wanted to change. I don't like the way I am, so I want to change! I don't drink to stay the same." --- next scene is him crying uncontrollably

Aside from the obscenities and the occassional stabs at humor... The guy has a lot of points. He knows the drugs are bad. He's been in and out of rehab. In one episode he makes a comment on that "if I go back on it's my choice... no one's making me do it." or something like that. He's referring to alcohol there.

It's like when the author talks to her siblings about drugs and say they are bad (or when she refers to it anyways). The whole book from the time she uses them from the time she stops she simply never denies the fact that they are bad. But she does them anyways becuase they make her feel good. But then she constantly talks about her regret even though they are "fun, fun, fun" and she constantly worries about what will happen to her resulting from her trips.

I figured I'd include some lyrics that really make me think about this book.... with some follow up afterwards.

The first is a song called "Bad Obsession"

"I used to be wasted
Always tried to take it
Take it down into my vein
I call the doctor
He's just another
He said I'm sick in the brain
He said you ain't special
So who you foolin'
Don't try ta give me a line
But I can't stop thinkin' 'bout
Doin' it one more time
(Oh no)
But I already left you
And you're better off left behind
(Oh yeah)


Aw it's a bad obsession
It's always messin'
It's always messin' my mind
It's a bad obsession
It's always messin'
It's always messin' my mind"



Another song is called "Mr. Brownstone"


"I get up around seven
Get outta bed around nine
And I don't worry about nothin' no
Cause worryin's a waste of my...time

The show usually starts around seven
We go on stage around nine
Get on the bus about eleven
Sippin' a drink and feelin' fine

We been dancin' with
Mr. Brownstone
He's been knockin'
He won't leave me alone

I used ta do a little
But a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin'
Ta get a little better
Said a little better than before
I used ta do a little
But a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin'
Ta get a little better
Said a little better than before

We been dancin' with
Mr. Brownstone
He's been knockin'
He won't leave me alone

Now I get up around whenever
I used ta get up on time
But that old man
he's a real muthafucker
Gonna kick him on down the line"


While reading Go Ask Alice these songs by Guns N' Roses really came to me... not because of the drugs particularly... but just because the Author really just says over and over again, "I swear I'm done this time."

Yet she always goes back and does it. Axl Rose shows the same attitude in the lyrics to these songs. I guess I never really saw how drugs were to the user until I read this book. I mean, it ends up killing her... within weeks of trying the drugs... she's already using the "street terms" and then she's pushing them. I mean... I never realized that they were that bad.

In a way I understand how her "boyfriends" feel. I have never used drugs... but I have seen people destroy their lives with them. I have watched them fade away without knowing what is happening to them. and then one day I find out that they were a drug user.

I really can't identify with the author in other areas. She seems so weak and unloved. Her parents do seem to love her.. but it's like... they don't know what she's doing? They really seem there for her when she's at rock-bottom. But I know how my parents would be.

It just seems to me this amazing cycle of going back and forth between using and not using is really something I can relate to with things in my life (other than drugs). The whole "I swear I'm done" thing. Yet, in the end it kills her.

It's amazing how this book starts off the way you'd expect things to start off. You get a kid who wants to fit in, and they are willing to do anything to get there. However, it's a bit different than most scenarios. Usually, kids are pressured into doing things. It was interesting that she was actually tricked into taking the drugs for the first time. But of course, she went through the guilt stage. However, that was quick. She was just happy that she finally fit in and it was a fun time. She tried dieting, and looking better.. etc. But now she simply just fits in nicely with the popular kids of her own town.

In a way I can kind of relate. Though I've never done any drugs, I never fit in anywhere. I was always a reject... well, in a sense I still am... I don't have too many friends really. I used to try and fit in with people by going to parties or what-not. But I was never really good at that stuff. Luckily, I made things right with Jesus two years ago and my life has been going good ever since and I didn't fall into the same trap that the author of "Go Ask Alice" fell into.

But it's like... you know man... Books like this really make you take a look at your life. You think about all the people around you that could be doing this stuff, and you could reach out to help them but you don't. Maybe because you don't really see them in that light, or maybe you are just caught up in the selfish aspects of life.

Perhaps I can relate in other aspects. The author spends her time thinking about what people think of her. Of course, this is a reflection of what she thinks of her. But it's not really the same. Lord knows I spent too much of my time wallowing in my own self-pity to notice anyone but myself anyways back in the day. However, that does not neccessarily mean that I still do not seek the acceptance of my peers. But the way I see it, oh well.

The author does affirm some type of moral absolutes as she questions the validity of her actions. But her choices seem more playful to her... there are not real moral consequences. Myself, I am a worry wart.. and I have a guiltier concience than anyone you have met. So that usually keeps me out of most trouble.

Literary reading, to me, is a simple concept. It is picking up a piece of literature and reading it. Now, this can be done in many different forms: poetry, novels, articles, papers, etc. However, I guess I'd like to focus on the type of literary reading that we will do for this class, which is mostly young adult books.

There are many different ways to read. Reading for class is different than reading for enjoyment though. Whenever I read books growing up, I always read for enjoyment. I was able to put myself in one of the characters bodies and actually become them for the book. I used to stay in my room for hours reading the Chronicles of Narnia.

However, reading for class was different. While I enjoyed the reading sometimes, I was mostly just looking for facts to make sure I remember the main points of the story. It was a different type of reading.

I think when I am a teacher I'm going to do this differently. I would much rather teach kids to read as if it's leisure reading. Make sure they have fun reading it, instead of making it a kind of book to remember points. I would want to motivate the kids to read the book for sheer enjoyment. This way, they will get more out of the book and remember even more.

If I was assigned to read a book, I wouldn't get as much out of it than if I picked it up myself. So I'll have to motivate my students to pick up a book on their own. Of course I'm going to have to do some reading assignments. However, I would have my kids go pick a book on their own to read as well. I would teach them about the different genres of books and how to look for the summaries. This way they will be able to pick out a book to read if they didn't have a specific one in mind.